Checking Out

After submitting my thesis, I had some celebrations with family and friends.  The '04 reunion was near my graduation, and I got to see a lot of old friends.  I had a nice graduation dinner with the parentals and a good birthday dinner with some close friends.  For the remainder of June, I commenced my postdoc but wasn't as productive as I would have liked.  I guess I was too busy looking forward to my graduation vacation.

I spent 3 days in Sydney by myself, 2 weeks touring New Zealand with Connections, and 1 week in Taipei with brother and Cheng (and Nancy when she was free).  Sydney was beautiful, New Zealand was fun, and Taiwan was pretty nice as well.  After some crazy times, I flew back to JFK, bused back to Beantown, and then left on a 2 week cross country drive with Dave.  We went to Toronto for 2 nights, then stopped at Troy, MI for dinner, and spent a night at Ann Arbor with Frank.  We then headed to Grand Rapids, MI to stay with Dave's grandma and car-swapped with his mom.  We spent 2 nights in Chicago, swung by Madison, WI for lunch, and then spent 2 nights in Rochester, MN.  We then headed to Badland National Park, Mount Rushmore, Yellowstone Park, and Grand Tetons National Park.  The last day, we did 1000 miles in 16 hours going from the Tetons to Palo Alto.  A lot of driving, sight-seeing, and overall good times.

After all the traveling and coming back to Boston, I feel liked I "checked out".  I really don't have much reason to stay around Boston anymore.  Before my travels, I released my emotional attachments and through my journeys, I have a better sense of what I want.  Boston is a nice city, but this will be my seventh year here.  I think it is time for a change while I'm still young.  I'm seriously considering trying out the west coast... a lot of my MIT friends have transplanted to SF.  I have visited various cities and I think I would choose between Boston, NYC, and SF for places I can consider living long term.  I've done the first two, so time for the last.  It's time to get my future in order and it helps to have a location set... 

Anti-climatic

It has been almost half a year since I last wrote an entry... time sure does fly when  you are busy.  In January, I made a trip to Peru with my brother as my last vacation before I had to focus 100% on work.  Working through February, I obtained some good research results which gave me the green light to graduate.  March was a bit slower with much of my time spent writing papers and recuperating from the prior work.  I began writing my thesis early April, attended my 10 year HS reunion the end of April, defended my thesis in early May, and submitted the final draft as of 5/22/09.

So technically, I am now Dr. Cheung but it feels very anti-climatic.  I was hoping after 6 years of graduate school, I would have a better sense of what I want to do with my life.  I still feel as clueless as my 22 year old self after graduating from Cornell.  What is worse is that when I look back at what I accomplished, it seems quite insignificant.  All my time and energy spent into researching something which may or may not extend into something beneficial to society is pretty disheartening.  At my HS reunion, people were successful with their careers and have moved on with their lives.  Peers that are married, have kids, or have traveled the world... and I just feel disconnected.  Unfulfilled with where I am.  Maybe its from my last entry, where I feel that the most important thing in life are relationships.  I know that I have people who are there for me... but part of me just doesn't feel "connected".  I long for the interactions where someone just gets you... where conversations just flow... where you just click and the world just seems a better place.  Maybe I've been holed-up alone working to graduate so long that I severed most of these connections... and now I wonder if it was worth it.

Why is everything so anti-climatic?... Why do I still feel so lost?...

Resolutions 2009

So the New Years is coming around the corner.  Typically this time of year, I like to reflect on what has happened in the past year.  Things have been pretty great for me this year until the late September to December time frame.  I got back with Hannah early this year when I realized how much I missed her and wanted her in my life.  Things were pretty good through her graduation until she went back to Korea.  Things went well when I visited her, but upon her return and staying with me, things just fell apart.  I guess it was a combination of me not being sure about what I wanted to do after, or where I wanted to be, and having selfish priorities.  There was a lot of stress with work, with the failing economy, and I didn't have the emotional capacity to handle a relationship.

Recently, I've been grasping with losing her, someone I deeply loved and cared about, for reasons of "incompatability" and trying to figure out what went wrong.  I've taken the last few months to get back on my feet, to accept the fact that she has moved on, and to find the resolve to be a better person.  I've read online sites and books, and realized some things about myself I would like to change or reinforce:

1 -   Be more empathetic with others (to actually be supportive)
2 -   Be more patient and understanding (need to stop being judgemental)
3 -   Put more effort into my relationships (relationships take work)
4 -   Be more confident and take initiative (courage to follow my heart)
5 -   Give more positive reinforcement (people need compliments)
6 -   Cut down focusing on negatives (people don't need criticisms)
7 -   Be more warm, loving, and appreciative (the one who gives will recieve)
8 -   Accept people for their individuality (respect and honor differences)
9 -   Just listen and don't try to solve every problem (not everything needs a solution)
10 - Get my priorites straight (life is short, people and relationships are important)

I guess all of these have to do with interacting with people (family, friends, signficant others).  I now realize that relationships are what defines us as human.  We get caught up with status, financial stability, and trying to make something of ourselves that we lose sight of the simplest joy in life... seeing someone else smile.  Whether it is from your mere presence, something you did, something you said, kind words, a warm embrace... that smile makes a connection with another person that has more value than all the riches, titles, and power in the world.

These are my thoughts and may it bring good will and happiness for the coming year.

Let it Snow

At this moment, I am alone at home while the snow keeps falling outside my window.  My housemates are both gone for a month, traveling Asia and the world, giving me some peace and quiet and an opportunity to actually do some house cleaning.  It's nice to know that you're not alone in a house, but having to deal with their uncleanliness gets to be a drag.  It's a mixed blessing... there is some relief that I won't need to clean up after them for a month, but it's also a little sad that I'll be spending X'mas and New Years pretty much alone.  There isn't much motivation for me to return to New York to celebrate the holidays since my friends are typically preoccupied and I need to get some work done.  I'll be going to Peru in mid-January, and time to get my thesis work completed is winding down.  I estimate I need to finish most of my work by March since I need to begin writing.  I should have a draft by April and a defense by mid April.  Then it'll be some edits and hopefully no more experiments, followed by submission around May 1.  Time is going by... can't really believe the end is near.  Unfortunately, I still don't have anything lined up after but I'm just focusing on getting out.  But for tonight... I'm just watching it snow... reminiscing about younger days when I would be outside playing it.

Interesting Read

"As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims" 

 Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

 One of the biggest problems with relationships in this society is that the context we approach them from is too small. We were taught that getting the relationship is the goal. 

It starts in early childhood with Fairy Tales where the Prince and the Princess live happily-ever-after.  It continues in movies and books where "boy meets girl" "boy loses girl" "boy gets girl back" - the music swells and the happy couple ride off into the sunset.  The songs that say "I can't smile without you"  "I can't live without you"  "You are my everything" describe the type of love we learned about growing up - toxic love - an addiction with the other person as our drug of choice, as our Higher Power. 

Any time we set another human being up to be our Higher Power we are going to experience failure in whatever we are trying to accomplish.  We will end up feeling victimized by the other person or by our self - and even when we feel victimized by the other person we blame our self for the choices we made.  We are set up to fail to get our needs met in Romantic Relationships because of the belief system we were taught in childhood and the messages we got from our society growing up.

There is no goal to reach that will bring us to happily-ever after.  We are not incomplete until we find our soul mate.  We are not halves that cannot be whole without a relationship.

True Love is not a painful obsession. It is not taking a hostage or being a hostage. It is not  all-consuming, isolating, or constricting. Believing we can't be whole or happy without a relationship is unhealthy and leads us to accept deprivation and abuse, and to engage in manipulation, dishonesty, and power struggles.  The type of love we learned about growing up is an addiction, a form of toxic love.

Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. toxic love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski.) 

1. Love - Development of self first priority.
Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.

2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)

3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.

4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth. 
Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.

5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.) 
Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."

6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.
Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.

7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality. 
Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.

8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality. 
Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.

9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood. 
Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.

10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)

11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship. 
 Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.

12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone. 
Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.

13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment.
Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.

Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is not working. 

There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy.  There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that will last forever - expecting it to last forever is what is dysfunctional.  Expectations set us up to be a victim - and cause to abandon ourselves in search of our goal.

If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson. 

As long as our definition of a successful relationship is one that lasts forever - we are set up to fail. As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply - using another person as our drug of choice.  That is not True Love - nor is it Loving